Lincoln freed the slaves, wore the most iconic beard in politics, and gave speeches that still get quoted today. But if you think that’s where his legacy ends, you’re missing out. Turns out Abe is prime dad joke material.
The man had the setup. Tall, honest, and always in a hat big enough to hide a whole joke book. The punchlines practically write themselves. If Lincoln were around today, you just know he’d be cracking these one-liners between debates.
So whether you’re here for the history, the puns, or just to see how far we can stretch the four-score thing, you’re in the right place. Let’s get to it.
Who was Abraham Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States, serving from 1861 until his assassination in 1865. He is best known for leading the country during the Civil War, abolishing slavery through the Emancipation Proclamation, and preserving the Union. Learn more on Wikipedia.
What was Abraham Lincoln’s role in ending slavery?
Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863, which declared that enslaved people in Confederate states were free. He also played a key role in passing the 13th Amendment, which permanently abolished slavery in the U.S.
How did Abraham Lincoln die?
Lincoln was assassinated on April 14, 1865, by John Wilkes Booth while attending a play at Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C. He died the next morning, becoming the first U.S. president to be assassinated. For more details, visit Ford’s Theatre National Historic Site.
Abraham Lincoln jokes
1. Why did Abraham Lincoln never get a parking ticket?
A: Because he always knew how to free the space.
2. What did Lincoln say after a terrible joke?
A: “Four groans and seven sighs ago…”
3. Why did Abe Lincoln never tell lies?
A: Because he knew honesty pays… unlike politicians today.
4. Why was Lincoln such a great speaker?
A: Because he always delivered with a Gettysburg-throat-clearing first.
5. What’s Abraham Lincoln’s least favorite type of music?
A: Booth-leg mixes.
6. Why did Lincoln start a stand-up career?
A: Because he never bombed, just emancipated the audience from boredom.
7. Why don’t ghosts ever joke about Lincoln?
A: Because they know it’s dead serious.
8. How did Lincoln win so many debates?
A: He freed his opponents from the illusion that they could win.
9. Why was Abe Lincoln a terrible magician?
A: Because he could never pull off a great escape.
10. What would Abraham Lincoln say if he saw today’s politicians?
A: “I freed the slaves, not the common sense!”
11. Why did Abraham Lincoln always carry a pencil?
A: Because he liked to draw his own conclusions.
12. Why was Lincoln such a good lawyer?
A: Because he never split hairs, just rails.
13. What was Abraham Lincoln’s favorite sport?
A: Fencing, because he was great at making points.
14. Why did Lincoln never get lost?
A: Because he always followed the Four-Score GPS.
15. Why did Lincoln break up with his girlfriend?
A: Because he wanted to free himself.
16. What did Lincoln say when his hat blew away?
A: “Well, that’s a top priority now.”
17. Why was Lincoln a great stand-up comedian?
A: Because he always had a well-constructed set.
18. What did Abraham Lincoln say after a long speech?
A: “I think I’ve addressed the situation.”
Now this is one of my favorites. Lincoln was famous for his speeches, but let’s be real, he definitely had those moments where even he thought, “Wow, that went on longer than expected.” Imagine Honest Abe checking the time after the Gettysburg Address and realizing he just monologued through lunch.
19. Why did Lincoln refuse to play poker?
A: Because he couldn’t bluff to save his life.
20. What’s Abraham Lincoln’s least favorite type of bread?
A: John Wilkes Booth toast.
21. Why did Lincoln become a wrestler?
A: Because he never backed down from a match.
22. What was Abraham Lincoln’s favorite type of joke?
A: A pun-ion speech.
23. Why did Lincoln never make excuses?
A: Because he always took responsibility four-score and seven times.
24. Why was Lincoln always calm in a crisis?
A: Because he knew how to keep his cabinet in order.
25. What did Lincoln say when someone told him a bad joke?
A: “That one did not pass the Emancipation Proclamation of humor.”
Honestly, I love this one because it fits so perfectly. If Lincoln were alive today, I bet he’d be quick to shut down terrible jokes with the most presidential level of sass. No bad puns on his watch.
27. Why did Lincoln refuse to play chess?
A: He didn’t want to deal with any more divided boards!
28. What’s Abe’s secret to writing speeches?
A: He just grabs a pen and lets the Union flow!
29. Why did Lincoln bring a broom to the White House?
A: To sweep away the Confeder-dust!
30. How does Abe Lincoln cut his pizza?
A: With four scores and seven slices!
31. Why was Lincoln so good at debates?
A: He always had a hat-trick up his sleeve!
32. What did Abe say when he tripped over his coat?
A: “Looks like I just freed my ankles from slavery!”
Okay, this is hands-down some of Lincoln’s funniest stuff. Picture him stumbling, picking himself up, and still managing to drop a killer one-liner while changing the course of history. That’s the kind of leader you can’t help but root for!
33. Why didn’t Lincoln ever oversleep?
A: His hat doubled as an alarm topper!
34. What’s Lincoln’s favorite workout?
A: Splitting reps, rail-splitting reps!
35. Why did Abe turn down a comedy career?
A: He didn’t want to emancipate all his best material!
36. What did Lincoln say at the barber?
A: “Just trim the beard, don’t abolish it!”
Now that’s a man committed to the look. Lincoln knew that beard was presidential, and he was not about to let a barber Gettys-burg it up.
That’s It, Folks – Honest Abe Would Approve
If you made it through this list without cracking a smile, I’m pretty sure Lincoln himself would be disappointed. The man was a legend in politics, a master of speeches, and apparently, the perfect subject for dad jokes.
Whether you laughed, groaned, or just sat there questioning your life choices, I hope you at least found a new favorite pun to share (or torture your friends with). If nothing else, we’ve proven one thing—history is way more fun with a few terrible jokes thrown in.
Now go forth, spread the Lincoln humor, and remember… bad jokes are a right, not a privilege.
